Back to Basics

We all have our good days and our not-so-good days. Whenever I stumble and fall -- choosing to give in to temptation over what I know is right and I begin to find that I had walked back into my own 'prison cell' so to speak...I find I go back to the basics. I go down on my knees and once again acknowledge that my way wasn't such a good idea after all, that He did know better. Holding on to truths about who I am and who He is helps stem the tide of self-recrimination. Songs are ways by which I remind myself of who I am and who God is, despite my mistakes. This song helps me remember....Remembering gives me the strength to stand up once more and keep on walking. Such love...it still boggles my mind....Yet, I am nonetheless grateful for its stubbornness and tenacity. My hope is that He will never cease to remind me and may I never cease to stand up and hope in Him....

Find me

Lost in a whirlpool of words
Not knowing which to answer
Words that sting
Words that make you bleed...

Drowning
Not knowing how to keep afloat
Inundated by pain I cannot seem to alleviate
Helpless as it sweeps me farther away from you

When can words become a bridge
That will span a thousand miles
To heal you and give you hope
when all that is heard is your own words of pain

Afraid to speak
Lest what comes out will break you further
Lost in an ocean of words
Yet not one to make me feel I can reach you...

What can I say to make the pain go away?
What can I do to make it all anew?
I can do nothing but wait
for you to find me...

Find me...

Memories of a Song

This morning while taking a break, I heard a song I haven't heard in quite a while. Here are the lyrics:

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM

MARY MAGDALENE
From: Jesus Christ Superstar

I don't know how to love him.
What to do, how to move him.
I've been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I've seen myself,
I seem like someone else.
I don't know how to take this.
I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man. He's just a man.
And I've had so many men before,
In very many ways,
He's just one more.
Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Don't you think it's rather funny,
I should be in this position.
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool,
Running every show.
He scares me so.
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Yet, if he said he loved me,
I'd be lost. I'd be frightened.
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head. I'd back away.
I wouldn't want to know.
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so.

I've been trying to recall where I first heard it and sang it. Almost half a day has passed when I suddenly remember...it was during one of our Sisters' Household. It became our Household theme song. Reading it and hearing it after several years brought a smile to my lips as I remembered sisters coming up with actions to match the lyrics, singing it with emotions and memorizing the lines to keep us going weeks after.

Indeed, Jesus' love, if taken quite seriously is scary. He doesn't just ask a lot, He asks for everything. Though scary, His love is what keeps me going, it has compelled me to do things I never thought I'd do i.e. perform on stage, speak to a stranger about God's love, accept rejection and keep trying to reach out. His love still scares me...yet it makes me feel more alive than I have ever been. 'I love him so.'

Precious memories

Keeping watch

I just came from a Bisita Iglesia . It's a cold night out -- cool, brisk night wind and a moon that would find its place in some suspense thriller, all round, yellow and hanging low in the sky. As we moved through the different chapels and churches using a variety of transportation -- the tricycle, the jeepney and our own two legs, I prayed the different decades of the rosary for all the people who asked for prayers.

I felt a sense of oneness in purpose with Jesus tonight. Tonight as we kept watch with the Lord, praying at each church's place of adoration, I struggled in mind and in my heart over things that the Lord and I have been talking about the past days. How long did it take before Jesus could say to His Father, "...not my will but your will be done..."?

By the 7th Church, my spirit has somehow found peace. As to what that peace could pertain to is between Jesus and myself. I shall keep watch a little longer tonight and as I do I give thanks that God could love someone as insignificant as myself. As one of my favorite song says..."Amazing Grace..." Who am I to refuse such a gift? Have a Holy Thursday!

Holy Wednesday

It's the third night of the Sundown Retreat given in our parish. Truly, each input seemed like God speaking to me directly. I went away with several thoughts to ponder on during the Triduum.

First, 'We are not to condemn our history but to integrate our past to our present. If we run away from the past, we can't move on.' The speaker, Fr. Louie shared that a person who is embittered and angry is likely one who has not accepted a part of himself and therefore finds it difficult to forgive and to love.

Second, how is it to integrate our past to our present? To integrate is to embrace our past, to come to terms that indeed we failed but to remember that God is there to give our failure meaning. It is to give up our illusions and do a reality check -- to see that we are made up of lights and shadows. In doing so, we become blessed by our past.

Third, we were encouraged not to tie ourselves to the past, but to tie ourselves to the possibilities. The choice is ours. There are many roads. The answer to our questions is in our hands.

Thoughts to ponder this Triduum. May the Holy Spirit guide my prayers. Incidentally the theme of the talk was, "Rock Bottom Experiences: Discovering Possibilities and Meanings." How apt....The Lord indeed speaks in mysterious ways.

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The Holiest Week of the Year

Today is Holy Monday. We ushered in the Holiest Week of the Year for Catholics yesterday, Palm Sunday. For those who wish to use this week to take stock of how they are faring in their spiritual, personal life, you may check this link out...http://www.sacredspace.ie/lent/lent07/

As for me, I'm making time this week to meet God in prayer more often. I have to make the time. After all, I am master of my time, right? I'm attending the three day Sundown Retreat offered at our parish. I already attended the first one a few minutes ago. I also availed of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. What Joy there is in knowing that God's love is unconditional and that He doesn't keep count of the many times I have committed the same 'favorite' sin. The priest reminded me of his personal favorite saint when he was in the seminary, St Dominic Savio

The saint who was no more than a boy of 15 was purported to have said, 'Death rather than sin!' May I grow in obedience to what God wants for me -- a holy life. After all sin is basically disobedience to God. If God truly loved me, then he would want the BEST for me. Why then do I keep insisting I know best when I can't even predict what the next couple of hours would bring?

Reflecting under the light of an almost full moon made me feel close to God. All the more after having been absolved of my sins...the night seemed all the more lovely. The retreat began with the song, "How Lovely is Your Dwelling Place" which is one of my favorite songs. It ended with a blessing I have always found seemed to echo God's love for me...the blessing found in Numbers 6: 23-27:

"Speak to Aaron and his sons and tell them: This is how you shall bless the Israelites. Say to them:

The LORD bless you and keep you!

The LORD let his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you!

The LORD look upon you kindly and give you peace!

So shall they invoke my name upon the Israelites, and I will bless them."

May you all be blessed this Holy Monday. . .