Memories of a Song

This morning while taking a break, I heard a song I haven't heard in quite a while. Here are the lyrics:

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM

MARY MAGDALENE
From: Jesus Christ Superstar

I don't know how to love him.
What to do, how to move him.
I've been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I've seen myself,
I seem like someone else.
I don't know how to take this.
I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man. He's just a man.
And I've had so many men before,
In very many ways,
He's just one more.
Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Don't you think it's rather funny,
I should be in this position.
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool,
Running every show.
He scares me so.
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Yet, if he said he loved me,
I'd be lost. I'd be frightened.
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head. I'd back away.
I wouldn't want to know.
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so.

I've been trying to recall where I first heard it and sang it. Almost half a day has passed when I suddenly remember...it was during one of our Sisters' Household. It became our Household theme song. Reading it and hearing it after several years brought a smile to my lips as I remembered sisters coming up with actions to match the lyrics, singing it with emotions and memorizing the lines to keep us going weeks after.

Indeed, Jesus' love, if taken quite seriously is scary. He doesn't just ask a lot, He asks for everything. Though scary, His love is what keeps me going, it has compelled me to do things I never thought I'd do i.e. perform on stage, speak to a stranger about God's love, accept rejection and keep trying to reach out. His love still scares me...yet it makes me feel more alive than I have ever been. 'I love him so.'

Precious memories

Keeping watch

I just came from a Bisita Iglesia . It's a cold night out -- cool, brisk night wind and a moon that would find its place in some suspense thriller, all round, yellow and hanging low in the sky. As we moved through the different chapels and churches using a variety of transportation -- the tricycle, the jeepney and our own two legs, I prayed the different decades of the rosary for all the people who asked for prayers.

I felt a sense of oneness in purpose with Jesus tonight. Tonight as we kept watch with the Lord, praying at each church's place of adoration, I struggled in mind and in my heart over things that the Lord and I have been talking about the past days. How long did it take before Jesus could say to His Father, "...not my will but your will be done..."?

By the 7th Church, my spirit has somehow found peace. As to what that peace could pertain to is between Jesus and myself. I shall keep watch a little longer tonight and as I do I give thanks that God could love someone as insignificant as myself. As one of my favorite song says..."Amazing Grace..." Who am I to refuse such a gift? Have a Holy Thursday!

Holy Wednesday

It's the third night of the Sundown Retreat given in our parish. Truly, each input seemed like God speaking to me directly. I went away with several thoughts to ponder on during the Triduum.

First, 'We are not to condemn our history but to integrate our past to our present. If we run away from the past, we can't move on.' The speaker, Fr. Louie shared that a person who is embittered and angry is likely one who has not accepted a part of himself and therefore finds it difficult to forgive and to love.

Second, how is it to integrate our past to our present? To integrate is to embrace our past, to come to terms that indeed we failed but to remember that God is there to give our failure meaning. It is to give up our illusions and do a reality check -- to see that we are made up of lights and shadows. In doing so, we become blessed by our past.

Third, we were encouraged not to tie ourselves to the past, but to tie ourselves to the possibilities. The choice is ours. There are many roads. The answer to our questions is in our hands.

Thoughts to ponder this Triduum. May the Holy Spirit guide my prayers. Incidentally the theme of the talk was, "Rock Bottom Experiences: Discovering Possibilities and Meanings." How apt....The Lord indeed speaks in mysterious ways.

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The Holiest Week of the Year

Today is Holy Monday. We ushered in the Holiest Week of the Year for Catholics yesterday, Palm Sunday. For those who wish to use this week to take stock of how they are faring in their spiritual, personal life, you may check this link out...http://www.sacredspace.ie/lent/lent07/

As for me, I'm making time this week to meet God in prayer more often. I have to make the time. After all, I am master of my time, right? I'm attending the three day Sundown Retreat offered at our parish. I already attended the first one a few minutes ago. I also availed of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. What Joy there is in knowing that God's love is unconditional and that He doesn't keep count of the many times I have committed the same 'favorite' sin. The priest reminded me of his personal favorite saint when he was in the seminary, St Dominic Savio

The saint who was no more than a boy of 15 was purported to have said, 'Death rather than sin!' May I grow in obedience to what God wants for me -- a holy life. After all sin is basically disobedience to God. If God truly loved me, then he would want the BEST for me. Why then do I keep insisting I know best when I can't even predict what the next couple of hours would bring?

Reflecting under the light of an almost full moon made me feel close to God. All the more after having been absolved of my sins...the night seemed all the more lovely. The retreat began with the song, "How Lovely is Your Dwelling Place" which is one of my favorite songs. It ended with a blessing I have always found seemed to echo God's love for me...the blessing found in Numbers 6: 23-27:

"Speak to Aaron and his sons and tell them: This is how you shall bless the Israelites. Say to them:

The LORD bless you and keep you!

The LORD let his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you!

The LORD look upon you kindly and give you peace!

So shall they invoke my name upon the Israelites, and I will bless them."

May you all be blessed this Holy Monday. . .

My lean-to...

When I am buffeted by confusion, distress and uncertainty...I remember the words of a saint who is my namesake, St Teresa of Avila...

(This is the English translation, but I first heard it in a form of a song in Spanish)

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing:
God never changes.
Patience obtains to all things.
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

Solo Dios basta. God alone indeed suffices.

So I now run to the shelter of my lean-to...and leaning on Him find a respite from the storm within and without. There are times that we do not need to understand everything...what matters is that in the midst of it, I can find Him, my lean-to...

Ironies in my life...

I am an apparent contradiction.
I am happy yet sad.
I am satisfied yet discontented.
I am in my present yet I am a product of my past and my future is defined, more often than not by it as well.
I am hopeful yet resigned.
I am loved without condition yet I love with conditions.
I claim to be strong but hurt others because of my weakness.
I am certain yet doubt.
I am home yet on my way there.
I am me yet not --
I am a canvas for others to define themselves by
yet in their search for themselves they have defined me as well.

Isn't it ironic indeed that I seek for perfection in others yet fail to perfect myself. Scriptures speak the truth...the measure by which we measure others, should verily be the same measure God shall use to measure me. In the final analysis, how do I measure against God and Jesus' standards of loving? And in all honesty, the irony of it all is that I can't even hold a candle to their kind of loving yet I am called to love as they love. Can I truly love that way? My Faith tells me, God in me and through me can bring this about...without any help from me except the simple assent to his efforts. Jesus...mercy....

PS Check out the pre-nuptial blog my fiance and I set up to keep friends updated on the progress of our wedding. It's at...www.junbyandmitzi.blogspot.com

Midafternoon

Sleepless Nights
Tired body
Drooping Spirit

Cold Silence
Deafening questions
Echo unceasingly

Bewilderment
Aching heart
Resignation

Sadness
Weariness
body and soul

Tears
Escape
Welcome slumber

Troubled dreams
questions unanswered
Awakening with a heavy heart

Questions
unanswered
no one there
just cold silence....

All things at their proper time...

Time is of the essence. It slips through one's fingers even before one is aware of it. What is present, becomes in a blink of an eye, part of the past. However much I wish to hold on to some moments in my life, I find I can only do so in the treasure chest of my memories. Memories are a gift, yet why at the end of life, all that is recent fades and what remains are the earliest recollections one has -- childhood in particular.

Some view time as an enemy that needs to be fought, struggled with and tamed. I see it more as an ally. It teaches me to the value of cherishing things, people, moments. It teaches me that in the midst of my finite state...I long for eternity.

A Farewell of Sorts...

Today -- I joined my best friend in bringing her mom to her final resting place. Death seems so final yet our faith teaches otherwise. Death is the doorway towards Eternal Life. Such a hope makes the passing away of a loved one more bearable but it does not erase the pain that comes with the loss. Yet, it is also death which makes every moment special and precious....

I used to dread death for I could not fathom how it would be being six feet under with a load of earth on top of you. It must be claustrophobic! What will I see, hear, feel when I am dead. Will I even be able to do all these then? Such thoughts I could not bear for long. I would shudder and breathe a prayer that such a reality be not mine for a long time yet. Growing older, I am slowly making my peace with it. I have not yet come to the point of welcoming it with open arms but at least I do not break out into panic attacks at the thought. What brought about the change? Loss. The experience of personal loss in my life and with the promise of a reunion on the other side makes death a necessary "evil". Only when I pass through death would I be able to join my loved ones who have gone ahead. Only through death would I be able to experience a life without pain, sorrow and mourning, for faith tells me that all that troubled my life would be no more living Life in God's presence .

The pain of parting is still remembered. Yet this same pain is what helps remind me that I can not allow a moment to pass without it being noted, experienced - lived. Life indeed is precious, all because it has an end. At the end of the funeral, on the way home I found myself looking at my own mother, who chose to attend the wake to pay her own respects to the mother of my best friend, and thanking God I still have her with me. Death today taught me again to not take things for granted....

Ashes to Ashes...

Today is the beginning of the Lenten Season. Ash Wednesday is the day when we place on our foreheads a cross from the ashes of burnt palms (used the previous Palm Sunday). Years back I remember the priest intoning, "Remember you are dust, and unto dust you shall return." Nowadays, we hear instead the words, "Turn away from sin and believe in the gospel." The words currently used upon the imposition of ashes connote an aspect of grace and an invitation.


Looking at the mark on my forehead, I am reminded of the fact that indeed it is by the cross that I am saved and it is when I choose to turn away from occasions of sin, to believe in the good news that I am now a child of God that true salvation is mine. It is hard to battle the demons within especially the demons that wish to convince us that we are beyond redemption or saving. In a twisted form, such self-abasement and self-hatred seems to me at times, another form of pride. "I am too bad to be saved. I am beyond forgiveness. I am such a failure. There is no hope for a schmuck like me." One has already judged oneself to be beyond God's infinite love and mercy. Only God is the rightful judge. Scripture is fraught with verses upon verses that speak of God's infinite compassion, mercy and love -- that compels him to seek out the lost and rejoice at the return of every sinner.Yet there are those that are genuinely sincere in their realization of their nothingness. I guess its really God who can determine which is which. After all, He's the one who can see into the very heart of things.


Lent is a time of grace. A time indeed to remember our nothingness but at the same time a season by which we realize that an invitation to go back home is also given. Lent is the season by which homecomings are joyfully celebrated, where every prodigal son is once again recognized as a child of God.

May all of us continue to hope in the Love that God offers. Hope in it enough to have the courage to head back home.

Oasis

When life gets hectic, the tendency is to work harder to be able to cope with the piles and piles of work that seem to never diminish. I, on the other hand, do the opposite. When I find myself running around like a headless chicken, so to speak, I will myself to slow down and stop. It helps me take stock of my present circumstances and allows me to regroup and regain much needed energy to finish the tasks ahead. :)

So, despite the mound of papers I need to check, the grades that await completion, and the hundred and one little things that add up to a feeling of being overwhelmed ...I took today off for a Day of Prayer with my brothers and sisters in community. I'm glad I did. :)

Today was a lesson in being present to my Present. Relishing the feel of wind that gusted from the sea, the relative quiet of the place - no cars, no TV, no radio . . . just the sounds of nature.



Breathing in deeply the air that blew strongly from the sea, seeing the waves slowly advancing upon the shore, good company, good food, and a general sense of well-being helped slow me down and energized me to tackle the tasks ahead.

I came away from that oasis with a renewed sense of who I am, what I am about and most importantly, that I am not alone -- I am loved by Love.

Pensive...

While in Dumaguete, waiting for the sun to rise after attending dawn mass, I was able to take this picture...reminds me of the times I used to wonder deep thoughts while walking along the seashore...

The sea always helped me put things in proper perspective. Against the vastness of the ocean, what sort of achievement can I boast of. Against the endless rolling in of the tides, what sort of rootedness can I claim. Against the depth of the ocean, what sort of inventions can I lay claim to? When life seems too much, I seek the vast sea, the endless rolling of the waves and the depths of the ocean to put me in my place..."What is man that you should be mindful of him/the son of Man that you should care for him..."

Long Time...

It has been a while since I last blogged. I can very well use the handy excuse of being too busy. There is also the desire to be private with my thoughts, feelings, reflections, myself. At times, it helps to meander in the silence of one's self. A lot has happened since my last blog. I hope I have grown a little wiser since then.

On my way to work today, this poem came to mind...

The Arrow And The Song

Poem lyrics of The Arrow And The Song by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

I shot an arrow into the air,
It fell to earth, I knew not where;
For, so swiftly it flew, the sight
Could not follow it in its flight.

I breathed a song into the air,
It fell to earth, I knew not where;
For who has sight so keen and strong,
That it can follow the flight of song?

Long, long afterward, in an oak
I found the arrow, still unbroke;
And the song, from beginning to end,
I found again in the heart of a friend.

I let him go long ago. Time has brought him back. With God's grace, I will be able to continue to sing the song I found in his heart, this time with him for the rest of our lives :)

Wonder why...

These are random thoughts that typically flow through my mind at odd times especially today...

Things in life I wonder about:

- why can animals coexist in harmony while humans can't? Which is the supposedly 'more intelligent' specie?

-why do we push away the very people we love then accuse them of not loving us enough? How many tests of love does one need to pass in order to prove love? Does love even need to be proven?

-why do we have better memory when it comes to bad memories but have a difficut time recalling better days?

-why do we read so much into what others say and do not say and wonder why our feelings are hurt?

-why do we begin to die the moment we are born?

-why do we keep asking why and not take things as they are?

-why do we need to find an explanation for everything and wonder why we are bored? Life isn't just about labels or rationales. Shouldn't it be about experiencing...being...living?

-why does it hurt when we love and hurt even more when we don't?

-why am I who I am and not someone else?

If I find an answer to all these, would it matter? Such is life. Questions. Wonder. Ahh...Life!

Along the way...

Halfway there
Stop
Consider...
Ponder...
Dwell...
BE
Walk on...

Life...

How does one learn to embrace life and not run from it? What does it mean to live life to the fullest? Each person I guess would have his own definition of a full life. For me, a full life isn't something I shall have in the future. It is something I have each day, each moment. It's a challenge to live in the PRESENT -- being present to my present.

I tend to think of the past and what could have been or the future and what might be rather than squeeze all that I can from the particular moment I am NOW in. It's an ongoing lesson but I've learned enough so far not to let most of today pass unnoticed and unknown. There are no replays for life, nor delete buttons. The more precious therefore life and living becomes.

There are many analogies for life -- it's a tapestry, a movie strip, a stage, a cycle, a roller coaster, an adventure, a journey, a landscape of mountains and valleys, a mission, a script and even a box of chocolates. Whichever analogy one chooses to use, the reality is that Life, my life is given to me only once. I'd like to think I have learned enough to embrace all of its facets for after all, I have but one life so I better LIVE it! :)

TGIF thoughts...

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way.

What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything.

Pedro Arrupe, SJ

I remember reading this quote while I was passing through the hallways of my Alma Mater. I found myself walking away deep in thought afterwards, for I found all that Fr. Arrupe wrote, resonated with my own experience of having come to know God a little more personally than just being a subject of study in class. Through the years I find myself going back to these words, using it as a compass of sorts whenever I find myself living my life as if it was ordinary and routinary. A shame when there is so much that life has to offer and that these are often unrepeatable moments. I pray on this Friday afternoon, that I may never be bored with life. I pray that the Lord will disturb me, if need be, if I ever begin to let life pass me by unreflected, unexperienced, untried. May all that I do begin and end with Love. :)

Check out this link and find people who do things because of Love: www.misyononline.com

Searching...

It's been a stressful week, although it feels more like a month. I guess the stress increases having to keep it all in, finding no outlet for one's thoughts except in prayer or in print. Nor can one just get up and go, letting your feet take you where it will for responsibilities keep knocking, waiting to be addressed. I have come to a point where I am just tired of being on top of things all the time and yet one can't hand the reins to someone else to drive for a while. Such is life.

In the midst of storms, one's hope is to hold on to the memory of the sun. Surely the sun will shine again...surely a safe harbor can be found, where ragged sails may be mended, numerous holes in the hull may be patched, and supplies replenished for yet another leg of the journey. I had searched for such a place, thought I saw a vision of it through the sheets of rain, yet lost it in the darkness of the night. I am exhausted fighting the waves that at times tower higher than my ship, appearing out of nowhere when I was lulled by the calm. Yet I hope still for I know that my Beloved is not far. He promised and He always delivers. So I strain despite the tiredness of fighting small battles to see Him beckoning me on. So I hope even as I continue to search...Eventually, I know I'll find what my heart searches for....Until then I will keep on searching....