Thank you Pa...

Thirty more minutes and Sunday would have passed into Monday. I'd like to take these last few minutes of Father's Day to pay tribute to my Papa.

I miss him. After almost sixteen years, the pain that loss brings has faded to a dull ache, one that only manifests itself in times of loneliness, fear, extreme joy, during memorable occasions and moments of wanting to be a kid without a care in the world. I can't quite call to mind how he looks now not as easily as before but I can remember quite well how it felt to be wrapped in his arms and seemingly disappear into his embrace. During those moments, those arms that held me felt like home. Only in God's arms during my times of prayer do I feel that again. There is just something about Papa's hugs that can never be replicated.

My Papa was far from being a saint or the perfect father as definitions of perfect fathers go. Over the years though, I have come to realize that he was the best father he knew how to be and how he was, as a father was what I needed and tend to seek until now. He had his favorite vices though he never let them take over his life, for which I am grateful. He had his own share of shattering my expectations and losing my trust for a period of time but what healed me of those broken 'ideals' of what a father was 'supposed' to be was the knowledge that to him, I was the most precious thing in the world. I was his princess...daddy's little girl.

It was he who taught me how to swallow medicine in tablet form. He taught me how to bike for about half a minute before I toppled over and refused to learn again. He taught me how to defend myself -- from breaking free of a hand gripping my wrist to hitting the most sensitive places of an attacker enough to give me a chance to run. He taught me how to play chess and what an accomplishment it was for me to 'beat' him at a game. He cooked the best tasting adobo and showed me how to interpret people's actions because we didn't speak the same language -- he would give a running interpretation of 'Wok with Yan'. He introduced me to the joys of reading. I remember reading 'Hunt for Red October' when I was in grade 5.

He showed me how men were supposed to treat women -- I never remembered my parents arguing. If they did, they must have done it behind closed doors so I escaped the trauma of seeing my parents fight. He showed me what faithfulness and love meant. He always came home after a week-long absence due to his work as the company dentist of a sugar central which was located far from Bacolod. He taught me how to give massages, allowing me to walk on his back until I became too heavy, that is. He showed me what it meant to be a man in control of his emotions. However trying the circumstances, he never raised his voice nor his hands. Only once did I see him do anything physically violent -- he kicked a chair in frustration over the outcome of one of his 'adopted sons' life because of thoughtlessness. He taught me the value of generosity and affording other people their human dignity no matter their social status in life. He had a clinic at home and we would get patients sometimes in the dead of the night. He never turned them away even when they had nothing to pay him with for his services except for some farm produce or live chicken they had with them.

He introduced to me the world of classical music. I can still remember lazy Sundays where the only sound heard at home were the strains of the Ride of the Valkyries or the overtures of Swan Lake. He opened up to me the different periods in music history and the great artists that peopled them. We used to listen to these masterpieces on a record player otherwise known as a turntable. He also taught me some tai chi movements for no other reason than he wanted me to learn them. In short, he knew a little about almost everything -- Jack of all trades and master in some.

I miss you Papa. Happy Father's day. Thank you for loving me.

Reminiscing

Once a birthday rolls around, one can't help but be a little sentimental. I guess its one's way of taking stock of how much one has received and given to life, in the hopes that God in His goodness will bless one with another year to live. After 28 years of existence, what lessons have I learned so far? Enough I hope to be able to make the next 28 years and more even more memorable and worth reminiscing about.

First lesson I've learned is the importance of choice. It is what God has blessed us with which separates us from mere animals that react instinctively. I have also learned that there always is a choice. Not choosing is actually a choice in itself. I can choose to be present to my present. I can choose to let my past define me or not. I can choose to choose or not to choose.

Second lesson I've learned is that God is big enough to handle the worst sins we can ever commit. He was there when we did it. It's not as if He didn't know what we were doing. So going to him and fessing up isn't actually for His sake, but ours. Only when I've confessed the wrong I have done can He show me concretely what He means when He says His love is unconditional.

Third lesson I've learned is that however much God has forgiven us for the sins and wrongs we have committed, there are still consequences inherent in the choice that we have to face. To face it though is one way God can use to strengthen us and use what negatives we may have incurred to become a positive for our lives in the long run.

Fourth lesson, God is a God of second chances and therefore I too, as His child, needed to learn to differentiate between the sinner and the sin. I have received mercy from Him numerous times therefore I learned to give mercy as well. Doing so has helped me become less uptight about things and have become more compassionate to those who err and have made some bad choices.

Fifth lesson, I am loved. Not just for the good that I do but even for the mistakes that I have made. He has loved me even when I was yet a sinner therefore there is nothing that I can do or say that will make God love me any less or any more than He already does. Loved this way gives me an assurance and a confidence that I will not be able to run so far that God's love cannot find me and make me whole. Such love also serves to drive me to be better for such love deserves nothing less. Yet to fail in the trying is no defeat. That same love compels me to get up, dust myself off and keep running until I see Him face to face.

May all that I do and say be ways by which I can love you, O Lord more perfectly than I did yesterday. Thank you for this life. Grant me the grace to live it well. Amen.

Sweetness personified part 2

Here are some pictures I took of the three dozen long-stemmed red roses and chocolates my sweet fiance sent me yesterday:



This must be the most number of roses I got from him so far. The chocolates are quite good too -- there goes my diet (for now).

Gazing at the roses, I realized something...we are like God in that we use objects to say in one gesture what we would like to say in a thousand words. God wanted to tell us who he is and what he is about. He spent centuries speaking about Himself especially to a specific people yet it was not enough. So He came as a person -- Jesus, that by seeing Jesus we will have a clearer picture of what He had been trying to say. This Sunday we celebrate the Body and Blood of Christ...now if that isn't the most succinct way of saying something, I don't know what else can say it best.

Thank you Sweetie for being like God in that you speak without words. Truly I am blessed.

Sweetness personified

Today was an ordinary day except for the love and care I felt from my fiance who is a thousand miles away. How was he able to do that? Well, this good man has his ways of making me smile. First, he was quite understanding that I couldn't chat with him since I had work this morning. That might not mean a lot to others but its a very big step for my sweetie. He likes having me around (I must have quite a fascinating personality, naks -- nagbuhat ng sariling bangko :P).

Next, though he must have wanted to have me stay and vidchat with him after lunch (we haven't 'seen' much of each other the past weeks due to his work load and my service in CYA) he instead told me I needed to sleep (I must have looked quite haggard ;P). Isn't he thoughtful?

I didn't really feel like getting up after my nap but since I needed to visit my best friend's dressmaker to have myself measured for her wedding, I stumbled out of bed. What greeted me were two boxes. One was a long rectangular box that I have become quite familiar with the past months and one square box which was quite new to me. As I suspected, it came from my thoughtful, sweet and romantic fiance -- deep red rose buds (three dozen to be exact!) and a box of Belgian sweets! Will post the pics later since I prefer to take photos in natural light (naks, feeling marunong). :)

Such extravagance is something I had to get used to. I'm a simple girl with simple joys and to be lavished with such attention and gifts was quite overwhelming at first. I would be hypocritical though if I said I didn't feel flattered by it either. I thank God for such loving coming from a good, generous and thoughtful man. I am indeed blessed. Knowing him, he isn't going to stop doing this after we are married and somehow I have come to look forward to such sweetness from him. I pray I can love him well in return.

Final Hurrah for Summer 2007

The last leg of Summer 2007 saw me mixing work and play. May 28-June 1 2007 was a week-long training for CYA. Commonly known as the Summer Training Conference (STC), this year's Visayas STC was held at Sunrise Beach Resort in Guimbal, Iloilo. Having the conference by the seashore I think helped me stay relatively stress free. I have always felt soothed by the sound of the waves rushing to shore.

An unexpected blessing was the full moon on the last night of the seminar. I love full moons! They seem to speak to me of God's love. Being at the beach under the light of a bright and silvery full moon was indeed a blessing. Another boon was serving alongside people who epitomize the conference's theme...'Radical Loving, Radical Living'.



After a long week of service, I opted to have a three days and two nights enjoying the last days of summer visiting Guimaras. I had never been there and having heard so many good things about the place, I decided to convince my fellow workers to take a few days off with me. It was worth it although the travel was tiring. Here are a few pics of our adventures...

Fun Countdown...

I chose the beach and the moon for these are but two of what I love in nature. Spending time at the beach this past week during the STC (Summer Training Course) of CYA was such a blessing. The beach and the moon help me to de-stress and to recover my equilibrium. I'll write about that more next time.

Anyway, I came across the countdown in a friend's blog (thanks, Kate!). I thought it would be fun to post one myself. With 6 months to go, I still have a lot of things to get in order. O well, how does one eat an elephant? A bite at a time so . . . time to start biting :)