Wonder why...

These are random thoughts that typically flow through my mind at odd times especially today...

Things in life I wonder about:

- why can animals coexist in harmony while humans can't? Which is the supposedly 'more intelligent' specie?

-why do we push away the very people we love then accuse them of not loving us enough? How many tests of love does one need to pass in order to prove love? Does love even need to be proven?

-why do we have better memory when it comes to bad memories but have a difficut time recalling better days?

-why do we read so much into what others say and do not say and wonder why our feelings are hurt?

-why do we begin to die the moment we are born?

-why do we keep asking why and not take things as they are?

-why do we need to find an explanation for everything and wonder why we are bored? Life isn't just about labels or rationales. Shouldn't it be about experiencing...being...living?

-why does it hurt when we love and hurt even more when we don't?

-why am I who I am and not someone else?

If I find an answer to all these, would it matter? Such is life. Questions. Wonder. Ahh...Life!

Along the way...

Halfway there
Stop
Consider...
Ponder...
Dwell...
BE
Walk on...

Life...

How does one learn to embrace life and not run from it? What does it mean to live life to the fullest? Each person I guess would have his own definition of a full life. For me, a full life isn't something I shall have in the future. It is something I have each day, each moment. It's a challenge to live in the PRESENT -- being present to my present.

I tend to think of the past and what could have been or the future and what might be rather than squeeze all that I can from the particular moment I am NOW in. It's an ongoing lesson but I've learned enough so far not to let most of today pass unnoticed and unknown. There are no replays for life, nor delete buttons. The more precious therefore life and living becomes.

There are many analogies for life -- it's a tapestry, a movie strip, a stage, a cycle, a roller coaster, an adventure, a journey, a landscape of mountains and valleys, a mission, a script and even a box of chocolates. Whichever analogy one chooses to use, the reality is that Life, my life is given to me only once. I'd like to think I have learned enough to embrace all of its facets for after all, I have but one life so I better LIVE it! :)

TGIF thoughts...

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way.

What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything.

Pedro Arrupe, SJ

I remember reading this quote while I was passing through the hallways of my Alma Mater. I found myself walking away deep in thought afterwards, for I found all that Fr. Arrupe wrote, resonated with my own experience of having come to know God a little more personally than just being a subject of study in class. Through the years I find myself going back to these words, using it as a compass of sorts whenever I find myself living my life as if it was ordinary and routinary. A shame when there is so much that life has to offer and that these are often unrepeatable moments. I pray on this Friday afternoon, that I may never be bored with life. I pray that the Lord will disturb me, if need be, if I ever begin to let life pass me by unreflected, unexperienced, untried. May all that I do begin and end with Love. :)

Check out this link and find people who do things because of Love: www.misyononline.com

Searching...

It's been a stressful week, although it feels more like a month. I guess the stress increases having to keep it all in, finding no outlet for one's thoughts except in prayer or in print. Nor can one just get up and go, letting your feet take you where it will for responsibilities keep knocking, waiting to be addressed. I have come to a point where I am just tired of being on top of things all the time and yet one can't hand the reins to someone else to drive for a while. Such is life.

In the midst of storms, one's hope is to hold on to the memory of the sun. Surely the sun will shine again...surely a safe harbor can be found, where ragged sails may be mended, numerous holes in the hull may be patched, and supplies replenished for yet another leg of the journey. I had searched for such a place, thought I saw a vision of it through the sheets of rain, yet lost it in the darkness of the night. I am exhausted fighting the waves that at times tower higher than my ship, appearing out of nowhere when I was lulled by the calm. Yet I hope still for I know that my Beloved is not far. He promised and He always delivers. So I strain despite the tiredness of fighting small battles to see Him beckoning me on. So I hope even as I continue to search...Eventually, I know I'll find what my heart searches for....Until then I will keep on searching....

Confused...

Don't really know what to write
Afraid that when I do
My fears become a reality...

When someone loves you
is that good only til a certain time?
Is it a guarantee that you will never hurt again?

I don't know everything
but i do know that love isn't love til it hurts.
Jesus on the cross proves that.

Does He withdraw his love
when I find it too demanding
and complain against His ways?

Does He deem me unworthy
when I honestly tell Him
that I am angry and hurt over what He asks of me?

Despite the hurts,
I am glad He loves me
His love, I find, defines me.

Pain, hurt, disappointment
Joy, Confidence, Peace
the aspects of Love
One can't have one without the other.

Will you love me
even if you will end up hurting me and yourself?
I'm willing to take the risk,
are you?

The Precious Things in Life

It is good to touch base with people who know you inside and out. I realize now how right my leader in community was when she urged me to cultivate relationships among the sisters. At that time, I was more open to the brothers finding their directness refreshing to the roundabout way women tended to be. In my opinion, men were easier to talk to. One need not worry about inadvertently trampling on their feelings. Yet, my leader in community made it my weekly "assignment" to get to know a new sister each week. She shared that no matter what state of life we will find ourselves later in, our friendships with women would become our strength and refuge. She was right.

Today, when I couldn't figure out what was expected of me or what I had done wrong this time, a call to a girl friend restored my faith in my own goodness. Our talk of inane things which were for us important but for men would be plain silly helped restore my spirits.

I'm glad I took the time and the challenge of establishing good women friends because there comes a point where only fellow women would understand. That's all I needed actually - to be understood, to be affirmed, to be encouraged, yet to be corrected with love. My girl friends are several of the precious things in my life. There are several others but for today...this is one particular treasure I am particularly grateful for.

All bottled up

At times it gets too much
being everyone's safe harbor



It's times like these
that I seek you out

And find the truth
That only You, O Lord
can truly suffice.

On a rainy afternoon...

I wonder how that happens...one moment you are talking about something, generally getting along then all of a sudden - wham, you run into a brick wall you didn't see coming. The connection you had with your companion gets lost in the subsequent static of miscommunication. You say something, the other person understands it differently from how you meant it to be and what once was in harmony is now slightly at odds with one another.

You desperately scramble to get a better reception while at the same time defending your stand and the context in which you said it. Then as the discussion goes along you lose sight of what your whole purpose for saying it in the first place was all about. Then you shift to a conciliatory stance deeming it better to preserve peace rather than to prove that you were right in your assertions.

"Pick your battles," I tend to say. In the long run we are after peace and goodwill rather than proving who is right. Yet it takes stepping back from being in the midst of such situations and taking stock objectively, is this discussion worth ruining, damaging or endangering the present relationship I have with this person?

If the answer is "No" then its better to seek for peace and pursue it, that in doing so we create the peace we so all desire to have and experience....

Thoughts on a Saturday evening

I have learned over the years that the Lord tends to speak in the most mundane thing. Today was no exception.

Who knew that while having a pedicure the Lord can speak loud and clear? Leafing through a magazine while passing the time waiting for the afternoon session of my review class to begin and having my nails done, the words...BE BRAVE jumped from the pages of the magazine.

I knew that voice...its not an audible one, mind you, but after spending years honing my ears to the "voice of my heart" I knew it to be the Lord's. It struck a chord within me and I knew somehow what He meant. I am embarking on a new phase in my life, that of becoming a wife and hopefully down the road a mother. At times the prospect of being responsible for another person's life other than mine scares me. I can hardly run my life well, how much more being responsible for another? Yet...it is what the Lord has called me to. BE BRAVE...how apt.

What is bravery? It's synonymous to courage right? I find that being brave is not being without fear but deciding to press on despite the fear with the conviction that what is being pursued is more important than the fear.

I thought He was done for the day. I was wrong. He had something further up His sleeve. I attended the mass at the Carmelite Monastery. It turns out that today is the second day for their novena in preparation of the Feast of Mt. Carmel. The theme? Faith.

According to the priest, faith is about relationship more than just dogma and doctrine. What I liked from all that he said was that faith is believing that our Father is ultimately in control and he won't allow anything to happen to us.

Faith does not mean we cannot ask questions. Questions asked in sincerity are ways by which faith can be deepened. I like that. I have questions but I have learned to ask them in confidence seeing them as a way to be true to God and to myself. I'm sure He can take my questions. After all He is God so why would He be scared of questions from one of His children?

Faith is also God's gift therefore I do not need to have stronger faith as if it depended on me. What a relief to hear that. I just need to surrender. Easier said than done though. I think it's harder to yield than to fight. Must have something to do with pride....

So as the day draws to a close, I find myself reassured that the path I am on need not be walked alone. Be brave and have Faith. My Father in Heaven will see me through this one, same as He has done in the past.

Am I glad, God is on my side....Ciao

What could have been

I called up an uncle today
to ask if he would do me the honor
of giving me away...

Made me think
of what could have been
If Papa hadn't passed away...

I missed him all of a sudden...

I prayed that he help me be the good wife I should be. I prayed that he watch over the man I have chosen to love, that he would be kept safe always. I prayed that he guard me with his love as I take another step without him by my side. I prayed that he take care of Mama and Honey as I start my own family. I prayed that he be there at my wedding day to bless me and my fiance, Junby.

Papa, thank you for keeping watch over the years and thank you for praying for your little girl. I know I've slipped up here and there but I guess your fatherly love continued well beyond death.