Confused...

Don't really know what to write
Afraid that when I do
My fears become a reality...

When someone loves you
is that good only til a certain time?
Is it a guarantee that you will never hurt again?

I don't know everything
but i do know that love isn't love til it hurts.
Jesus on the cross proves that.

Does He withdraw his love
when I find it too demanding
and complain against His ways?

Does He deem me unworthy
when I honestly tell Him
that I am angry and hurt over what He asks of me?

Despite the hurts,
I am glad He loves me
His love, I find, defines me.

Pain, hurt, disappointment
Joy, Confidence, Peace
the aspects of Love
One can't have one without the other.

Will you love me
even if you will end up hurting me and yourself?
I'm willing to take the risk,
are you?

The Precious Things in Life

It is good to touch base with people who know you inside and out. I realize now how right my leader in community was when she urged me to cultivate relationships among the sisters. At that time, I was more open to the brothers finding their directness refreshing to the roundabout way women tended to be. In my opinion, men were easier to talk to. One need not worry about inadvertently trampling on their feelings. Yet, my leader in community made it my weekly "assignment" to get to know a new sister each week. She shared that no matter what state of life we will find ourselves later in, our friendships with women would become our strength and refuge. She was right.

Today, when I couldn't figure out what was expected of me or what I had done wrong this time, a call to a girl friend restored my faith in my own goodness. Our talk of inane things which were for us important but for men would be plain silly helped restore my spirits.

I'm glad I took the time and the challenge of establishing good women friends because there comes a point where only fellow women would understand. That's all I needed actually - to be understood, to be affirmed, to be encouraged, yet to be corrected with love. My girl friends are several of the precious things in my life. There are several others but for today...this is one particular treasure I am particularly grateful for.

All bottled up

At times it gets too much
being everyone's safe harbor



It's times like these
that I seek you out

And find the truth
That only You, O Lord
can truly suffice.

On a rainy afternoon...

I wonder how that happens...one moment you are talking about something, generally getting along then all of a sudden - wham, you run into a brick wall you didn't see coming. The connection you had with your companion gets lost in the subsequent static of miscommunication. You say something, the other person understands it differently from how you meant it to be and what once was in harmony is now slightly at odds with one another.

You desperately scramble to get a better reception while at the same time defending your stand and the context in which you said it. Then as the discussion goes along you lose sight of what your whole purpose for saying it in the first place was all about. Then you shift to a conciliatory stance deeming it better to preserve peace rather than to prove that you were right in your assertions.

"Pick your battles," I tend to say. In the long run we are after peace and goodwill rather than proving who is right. Yet it takes stepping back from being in the midst of such situations and taking stock objectively, is this discussion worth ruining, damaging or endangering the present relationship I have with this person?

If the answer is "No" then its better to seek for peace and pursue it, that in doing so we create the peace we so all desire to have and experience....

Thoughts on a Saturday evening

I have learned over the years that the Lord tends to speak in the most mundane thing. Today was no exception.

Who knew that while having a pedicure the Lord can speak loud and clear? Leafing through a magazine while passing the time waiting for the afternoon session of my review class to begin and having my nails done, the words...BE BRAVE jumped from the pages of the magazine.

I knew that voice...its not an audible one, mind you, but after spending years honing my ears to the "voice of my heart" I knew it to be the Lord's. It struck a chord within me and I knew somehow what He meant. I am embarking on a new phase in my life, that of becoming a wife and hopefully down the road a mother. At times the prospect of being responsible for another person's life other than mine scares me. I can hardly run my life well, how much more being responsible for another? Yet...it is what the Lord has called me to. BE BRAVE...how apt.

What is bravery? It's synonymous to courage right? I find that being brave is not being without fear but deciding to press on despite the fear with the conviction that what is being pursued is more important than the fear.

I thought He was done for the day. I was wrong. He had something further up His sleeve. I attended the mass at the Carmelite Monastery. It turns out that today is the second day for their novena in preparation of the Feast of Mt. Carmel. The theme? Faith.

According to the priest, faith is about relationship more than just dogma and doctrine. What I liked from all that he said was that faith is believing that our Father is ultimately in control and he won't allow anything to happen to us.

Faith does not mean we cannot ask questions. Questions asked in sincerity are ways by which faith can be deepened. I like that. I have questions but I have learned to ask them in confidence seeing them as a way to be true to God and to myself. I'm sure He can take my questions. After all He is God so why would He be scared of questions from one of His children?

Faith is also God's gift therefore I do not need to have stronger faith as if it depended on me. What a relief to hear that. I just need to surrender. Easier said than done though. I think it's harder to yield than to fight. Must have something to do with pride....

So as the day draws to a close, I find myself reassured that the path I am on need not be walked alone. Be brave and have Faith. My Father in Heaven will see me through this one, same as He has done in the past.

Am I glad, God is on my side....Ciao

What could have been

I called up an uncle today
to ask if he would do me the honor
of giving me away...

Made me think
of what could have been
If Papa hadn't passed away...

I missed him all of a sudden...

I prayed that he help me be the good wife I should be. I prayed that he watch over the man I have chosen to love, that he would be kept safe always. I prayed that he guard me with his love as I take another step without him by my side. I prayed that he take care of Mama and Honey as I start my own family. I prayed that he be there at my wedding day to bless me and my fiance, Junby.

Papa, thank you for keeping watch over the years and thank you for praying for your little girl. I know I've slipped up here and there but I guess your fatherly love continued well beyond death.