Mom's Day

Today is Mother's Day -- the one day set aside to honor all the mothers in the world. I wonder why we need to put aside a specific day to do that? Shouldn't we tell our mothers how we feel everyday? As for my mom...she and I look very different but I guess I'm one of those who can safely say, 'I will not trade my Mama for anyone in the world. I have the best mom ever!'.

My mom is a guidance counselor by profession. I remember only one time in my 27 years of existence where we actually really fought. I don't recall now what the cause was but I still remember how it felt. I remember telling her at the height of my frustration -- 'you should understand me, you are a counselor!' To which she answered, 'my counseling stops when it comes to my kids.' When it comes to us, we are first and foremost her daughters and not her clients but after that one argument, Mama and I never had any real shouting matches and the like. She never was one for shouting. She's one lady who can silence me with a look. Yet, she has her quirky side too. I remember trying to pay attention at mass only to be distracted when I saw her stick her tongue sideways at me. I am glad God gave me my Mama.

Though we don't look alike I guess I am more like her in attitude and mannerisms. I took another test from Tickle to see how closely I am like my Mama and the test proved that...




You've inherited your mom's Caring Spirit


Are You Turning into Your Mother?

Brought to you by Tickle

Here's their analysis:

Mitzi, you've inherited your mom's Caring Spirit

Imitation is the best form of flattery, so it's no surprise you mirror your mother's knack for treating others well. Maybe you and your mom don't share identical style or taste, but when it comes to who you are deep down, apples don't fall far from the tree.

Whether you're playing matchmaker with a friend, wiping the schmutz off a kid's face, or bringing chicken noodle soup to a sick coworker, you've learned to look out for others' best interests. Kind and caring, you've inherited all of your mom's classic values — whether you like it or not. Good thing mother knows best!

I am glad I have inherited Mama's values. I am proud of my Mama. Without her, I wouldn't be who I am today. Thanks Ma for being the best mom you could be to me. Thank you Jesus for giving my Mama to me.

Bluer than blue

It's Friday afternoon. I just finished rendering some changes on the articles we are currently editing for the upcoming September-October 2007 issue of Misyon

I decided to check other emails I had left unread for months already before resuming work (responding to readers' letters in behalf of DBB -- D Big Boss, our editor Fr Sean Coyle). I saw an email which gave me a link to test what kind of color I represent. I've always been partial to the color blue but I wanted to find out if my preferred color would actually represent my personality. Well according to the test, my true color is...tadah!




Your true color is Blue!


What's Your True Color?

Brought to you by Tickle

In addition to the color, they had an 'analysis' of my personality. The color blue represents me because:

Mitzi, your true color is Blue!

You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!

So, friends -- would you agree? :) Anyway, coffee break is over. Time to work uli. Until next post then...abangan and susunod na kabanata...

Why I choose to Love...

Most will say Love is a choice. I agree. Why would I choose to love? I choose to love because as in the paradox of life -- to love is to bind oneself to the Beloved. In doing so, I become free. Free to do what? To love even more.

I can cite physical attributes for reasons to love -- the person is beautiful/handsome, well established in life, comes from a good clan. These indeed have its rightful place in the choice of loving but God doesn't love with human standards. Buti na lang.

I don't deem to know much about His way of loving. I do know how it is to be on the receiving end of it. The Bible says God looks and judges the hearts of men. I do not know what He sees in my heart to continue loving me despite all the times that I hurt Him, choose to hurt Him and still disbelieve the sincerity of His love for me. Most likely because I can not seem to find anything loveable about myself therefore why should He love me? Yet He does.

I came to the point I ceased to question that kind of Love but instead became grateful for the constancy of that love. Love is a choice. May I continue choosing to accept the Love He gives me. With each choice to love another, I love Him back. With every choice to love myself the way He loves me, I love Him back. In choosing to Love, I am freed to become Me...at the end of the road, I hope to truly understand what Love sees in me.

Back to Basics

We all have our good days and our not-so-good days. Whenever I stumble and fall -- choosing to give in to temptation over what I know is right and I begin to find that I had walked back into my own 'prison cell' so to speak...I find I go back to the basics. I go down on my knees and once again acknowledge that my way wasn't such a good idea after all, that He did know better. Holding on to truths about who I am and who He is helps stem the tide of self-recrimination. Songs are ways by which I remind myself of who I am and who God is, despite my mistakes. This song helps me remember....Remembering gives me the strength to stand up once more and keep on walking. Such love...it still boggles my mind....Yet, I am nonetheless grateful for its stubbornness and tenacity. My hope is that He will never cease to remind me and may I never cease to stand up and hope in Him....

Find me

Lost in a whirlpool of words
Not knowing which to answer
Words that sting
Words that make you bleed...

Drowning
Not knowing how to keep afloat
Inundated by pain I cannot seem to alleviate
Helpless as it sweeps me farther away from you

When can words become a bridge
That will span a thousand miles
To heal you and give you hope
when all that is heard is your own words of pain

Afraid to speak
Lest what comes out will break you further
Lost in an ocean of words
Yet not one to make me feel I can reach you...

What can I say to make the pain go away?
What can I do to make it all anew?
I can do nothing but wait
for you to find me...

Find me...

Memories of a Song

This morning while taking a break, I heard a song I haven't heard in quite a while. Here are the lyrics:

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM

MARY MAGDALENE
From: Jesus Christ Superstar

I don't know how to love him.
What to do, how to move him.
I've been changed, yes really changed.
In these past few days, when I've seen myself,
I seem like someone else.
I don't know how to take this.
I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man. He's just a man.
And I've had so many men before,
In very many ways,
He's just one more.
Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Don't you think it's rather funny,
I should be in this position.
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool,
Running every show.
He scares me so.
I never thought I'd come to this.
What's it all about?
Yet, if he said he loved me,
I'd be lost. I'd be frightened.
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head. I'd back away.
I wouldn't want to know.
He scares me so.
I want him so.
I love him so.

I've been trying to recall where I first heard it and sang it. Almost half a day has passed when I suddenly remember...it was during one of our Sisters' Household. It became our Household theme song. Reading it and hearing it after several years brought a smile to my lips as I remembered sisters coming up with actions to match the lyrics, singing it with emotions and memorizing the lines to keep us going weeks after.

Indeed, Jesus' love, if taken quite seriously is scary. He doesn't just ask a lot, He asks for everything. Though scary, His love is what keeps me going, it has compelled me to do things I never thought I'd do i.e. perform on stage, speak to a stranger about God's love, accept rejection and keep trying to reach out. His love still scares me...yet it makes me feel more alive than I have ever been. 'I love him so.'

Precious memories

Keeping watch

I just came from a Bisita Iglesia . It's a cold night out -- cool, brisk night wind and a moon that would find its place in some suspense thriller, all round, yellow and hanging low in the sky. As we moved through the different chapels and churches using a variety of transportation -- the tricycle, the jeepney and our own two legs, I prayed the different decades of the rosary for all the people who asked for prayers.

I felt a sense of oneness in purpose with Jesus tonight. Tonight as we kept watch with the Lord, praying at each church's place of adoration, I struggled in mind and in my heart over things that the Lord and I have been talking about the past days. How long did it take before Jesus could say to His Father, "...not my will but your will be done..."?

By the 7th Church, my spirit has somehow found peace. As to what that peace could pertain to is between Jesus and myself. I shall keep watch a little longer tonight and as I do I give thanks that God could love someone as insignificant as myself. As one of my favorite song says..."Amazing Grace..." Who am I to refuse such a gift? Have a Holy Thursday!

Holy Wednesday

It's the third night of the Sundown Retreat given in our parish. Truly, each input seemed like God speaking to me directly. I went away with several thoughts to ponder on during the Triduum.

First, 'We are not to condemn our history but to integrate our past to our present. If we run away from the past, we can't move on.' The speaker, Fr. Louie shared that a person who is embittered and angry is likely one who has not accepted a part of himself and therefore finds it difficult to forgive and to love.

Second, how is it to integrate our past to our present? To integrate is to embrace our past, to come to terms that indeed we failed but to remember that God is there to give our failure meaning. It is to give up our illusions and do a reality check -- to see that we are made up of lights and shadows. In doing so, we become blessed by our past.

Third, we were encouraged not to tie ourselves to the past, but to tie ourselves to the possibilities. The choice is ours. There are many roads. The answer to our questions is in our hands.

Thoughts to ponder this Triduum. May the Holy Spirit guide my prayers. Incidentally the theme of the talk was, "Rock Bottom Experiences: Discovering Possibilities and Meanings." How apt....The Lord indeed speaks in mysterious ways.

My Visual DNA

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The Holiest Week of the Year

Today is Holy Monday. We ushered in the Holiest Week of the Year for Catholics yesterday, Palm Sunday. For those who wish to use this week to take stock of how they are faring in their spiritual, personal life, you may check this link out...http://www.sacredspace.ie/lent/lent07/

As for me, I'm making time this week to meet God in prayer more often. I have to make the time. After all, I am master of my time, right? I'm attending the three day Sundown Retreat offered at our parish. I already attended the first one a few minutes ago. I also availed of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. What Joy there is in knowing that God's love is unconditional and that He doesn't keep count of the many times I have committed the same 'favorite' sin. The priest reminded me of his personal favorite saint when he was in the seminary, St Dominic Savio

The saint who was no more than a boy of 15 was purported to have said, 'Death rather than sin!' May I grow in obedience to what God wants for me -- a holy life. After all sin is basically disobedience to God. If God truly loved me, then he would want the BEST for me. Why then do I keep insisting I know best when I can't even predict what the next couple of hours would bring?

Reflecting under the light of an almost full moon made me feel close to God. All the more after having been absolved of my sins...the night seemed all the more lovely. The retreat began with the song, "How Lovely is Your Dwelling Place" which is one of my favorite songs. It ended with a blessing I have always found seemed to echo God's love for me...the blessing found in Numbers 6: 23-27:

"Speak to Aaron and his sons and tell them: This is how you shall bless the Israelites. Say to them:

The LORD bless you and keep you!

The LORD let his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you!

The LORD look upon you kindly and give you peace!

So shall they invoke my name upon the Israelites, and I will bless them."

May you all be blessed this Holy Monday. . .

My lean-to...

When I am buffeted by confusion, distress and uncertainty...I remember the words of a saint who is my namesake, St Teresa of Avila...

(This is the English translation, but I first heard it in a form of a song in Spanish)

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing:
God never changes.
Patience obtains to all things.
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

Solo Dios basta. God alone indeed suffices.

So I now run to the shelter of my lean-to...and leaning on Him find a respite from the storm within and without. There are times that we do not need to understand everything...what matters is that in the midst of it, I can find Him, my lean-to...

Ironies in my life...

I am an apparent contradiction.
I am happy yet sad.
I am satisfied yet discontented.
I am in my present yet I am a product of my past and my future is defined, more often than not by it as well.
I am hopeful yet resigned.
I am loved without condition yet I love with conditions.
I claim to be strong but hurt others because of my weakness.
I am certain yet doubt.
I am home yet on my way there.
I am me yet not --
I am a canvas for others to define themselves by
yet in their search for themselves they have defined me as well.

Isn't it ironic indeed that I seek for perfection in others yet fail to perfect myself. Scriptures speak the truth...the measure by which we measure others, should verily be the same measure God shall use to measure me. In the final analysis, how do I measure against God and Jesus' standards of loving? And in all honesty, the irony of it all is that I can't even hold a candle to their kind of loving yet I am called to love as they love. Can I truly love that way? My Faith tells me, God in me and through me can bring this about...without any help from me except the simple assent to his efforts. Jesus...mercy....

PS Check out the pre-nuptial blog my fiance and I set up to keep friends updated on the progress of our wedding. It's at...www.junbyandmitzi.blogspot.com

Midafternoon

Sleepless Nights
Tired body
Drooping Spirit

Cold Silence
Deafening questions
Echo unceasingly

Bewilderment
Aching heart
Resignation

Sadness
Weariness
body and soul

Tears
Escape
Welcome slumber

Troubled dreams
questions unanswered
Awakening with a heavy heart

Questions
unanswered
no one there
just cold silence....

All things at their proper time...

Time is of the essence. It slips through one's fingers even before one is aware of it. What is present, becomes in a blink of an eye, part of the past. However much I wish to hold on to some moments in my life, I find I can only do so in the treasure chest of my memories. Memories are a gift, yet why at the end of life, all that is recent fades and what remains are the earliest recollections one has -- childhood in particular.

Some view time as an enemy that needs to be fought, struggled with and tamed. I see it more as an ally. It teaches me to the value of cherishing things, people, moments. It teaches me that in the midst of my finite state...I long for eternity.

A Farewell of Sorts...

Today -- I joined my best friend in bringing her mom to her final resting place. Death seems so final yet our faith teaches otherwise. Death is the doorway towards Eternal Life. Such a hope makes the passing away of a loved one more bearable but it does not erase the pain that comes with the loss. Yet, it is also death which makes every moment special and precious....

I used to dread death for I could not fathom how it would be being six feet under with a load of earth on top of you. It must be claustrophobic! What will I see, hear, feel when I am dead. Will I even be able to do all these then? Such thoughts I could not bear for long. I would shudder and breathe a prayer that such a reality be not mine for a long time yet. Growing older, I am slowly making my peace with it. I have not yet come to the point of welcoming it with open arms but at least I do not break out into panic attacks at the thought. What brought about the change? Loss. The experience of personal loss in my life and with the promise of a reunion on the other side makes death a necessary "evil". Only when I pass through death would I be able to join my loved ones who have gone ahead. Only through death would I be able to experience a life without pain, sorrow and mourning, for faith tells me that all that troubled my life would be no more living Life in God's presence .

The pain of parting is still remembered. Yet this same pain is what helps remind me that I can not allow a moment to pass without it being noted, experienced - lived. Life indeed is precious, all because it has an end. At the end of the funeral, on the way home I found myself looking at my own mother, who chose to attend the wake to pay her own respects to the mother of my best friend, and thanking God I still have her with me. Death today taught me again to not take things for granted....

Ashes to Ashes...

Today is the beginning of the Lenten Season. Ash Wednesday is the day when we place on our foreheads a cross from the ashes of burnt palms (used the previous Palm Sunday). Years back I remember the priest intoning, "Remember you are dust, and unto dust you shall return." Nowadays, we hear instead the words, "Turn away from sin and believe in the gospel." The words currently used upon the imposition of ashes connote an aspect of grace and an invitation.


Looking at the mark on my forehead, I am reminded of the fact that indeed it is by the cross that I am saved and it is when I choose to turn away from occasions of sin, to believe in the good news that I am now a child of God that true salvation is mine. It is hard to battle the demons within especially the demons that wish to convince us that we are beyond redemption or saving. In a twisted form, such self-abasement and self-hatred seems to me at times, another form of pride. "I am too bad to be saved. I am beyond forgiveness. I am such a failure. There is no hope for a schmuck like me." One has already judged oneself to be beyond God's infinite love and mercy. Only God is the rightful judge. Scripture is fraught with verses upon verses that speak of God's infinite compassion, mercy and love -- that compels him to seek out the lost and rejoice at the return of every sinner.Yet there are those that are genuinely sincere in their realization of their nothingness. I guess its really God who can determine which is which. After all, He's the one who can see into the very heart of things.


Lent is a time of grace. A time indeed to remember our nothingness but at the same time a season by which we realize that an invitation to go back home is also given. Lent is the season by which homecomings are joyfully celebrated, where every prodigal son is once again recognized as a child of God.

May all of us continue to hope in the Love that God offers. Hope in it enough to have the courage to head back home.

Oasis

When life gets hectic, the tendency is to work harder to be able to cope with the piles and piles of work that seem to never diminish. I, on the other hand, do the opposite. When I find myself running around like a headless chicken, so to speak, I will myself to slow down and stop. It helps me take stock of my present circumstances and allows me to regroup and regain much needed energy to finish the tasks ahead. :)

So, despite the mound of papers I need to check, the grades that await completion, and the hundred and one little things that add up to a feeling of being overwhelmed ...I took today off for a Day of Prayer with my brothers and sisters in community. I'm glad I did. :)

Today was a lesson in being present to my Present. Relishing the feel of wind that gusted from the sea, the relative quiet of the place - no cars, no TV, no radio . . . just the sounds of nature.



Breathing in deeply the air that blew strongly from the sea, seeing the waves slowly advancing upon the shore, good company, good food, and a general sense of well-being helped slow me down and energized me to tackle the tasks ahead.

I came away from that oasis with a renewed sense of who I am, what I am about and most importantly, that I am not alone -- I am loved by Love.

Pensive...

While in Dumaguete, waiting for the sun to rise after attending dawn mass, I was able to take this picture...reminds me of the times I used to wonder deep thoughts while walking along the seashore...

The sea always helped me put things in proper perspective. Against the vastness of the ocean, what sort of achievement can I boast of. Against the endless rolling in of the tides, what sort of rootedness can I claim. Against the depth of the ocean, what sort of inventions can I lay claim to? When life seems too much, I seek the vast sea, the endless rolling of the waves and the depths of the ocean to put me in my place..."What is man that you should be mindful of him/the son of Man that you should care for him..."

Long Time...

It has been a while since I last blogged. I can very well use the handy excuse of being too busy. There is also the desire to be private with my thoughts, feelings, reflections, myself. At times, it helps to meander in the silence of one's self. A lot has happened since my last blog. I hope I have grown a little wiser since then.

On my way to work today, this poem came to mind...

The Arrow And The Song

Poem lyrics of The Arrow And The Song by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

I shot an arrow into the air,
It fell to earth, I knew not where;
For, so swiftly it flew, the sight
Could not follow it in its flight.

I breathed a song into the air,
It fell to earth, I knew not where;
For who has sight so keen and strong,
That it can follow the flight of song?

Long, long afterward, in an oak
I found the arrow, still unbroke;
And the song, from beginning to end,
I found again in the heart of a friend.

I let him go long ago. Time has brought him back. With God's grace, I will be able to continue to sing the song I found in his heart, this time with him for the rest of our lives :)